This was another brain week for me. First, I needed to confront the reasons why I procrastinate. I suppose it is vaguely amusing that I chose to procrastinate on answering those questions. I know that I procrastinate. I’m good at it and it’s something of a talent and a skill for me. I want to be more structured and procrastinate less, but I’ve always had trouble figuring out how to get around that. I’m hoping that this month will help cure me of this.
I do know that I procrastinate, mostly, because of the “high” I get when I finish something right before a deadline. I guess I’m something of an adrenaline junkie. I don’t miss deadlines, but I have been known to come very close with them sometimes. It’s important to me that I lose the reputation for getting things done at the last minute. I would like to be more successful at getting things done before the deadline and not have to sweat it at the last minute.
On the other side of the coin, the home side, I’ve been thinking about how I tell the story of my life . . . or how I don’t tell it. I’m, surprisingly, a very private person when it comes to the difficulties I’ve had or the challenges that I’ve faced. I don’t talk about them much as I don’t think they’re that interesting or I don’t want people to see me differently. Plus, it would break up some of the mythology that I’ve created and would make me have to face things that I honestly would rather not.
However, being that I don’t want to recreate that family structure for my children and that I don’t want my later years to be full of regret for the things I didn’t do because I was afraid to try, I’m going to have to begin to believe that I am braver than I think I am and that I can have faith that things are going to work out for the best.
It also means, for me, that I have to redefine what family means for me and how I think about it.
I’m also supposed to be creating new affirmations for myself that will help me, but I’m not sure that I’m in a place right now that I can do that. I’m going to have to think about this part of the process and consider whether it’s going to work for me or not. Right now, I think not.