Not sure where I’m going

And not sure where I’ve been.

Definitely sounds like a country song, anyway.

I’ve been battling my inner demons for a few weeks now. I’m not really sure how to describe how I’ve been feeling other than to say not good. I stress way too much over little things. I get abnormally sound sensitive (making my sound sensitive child look like a lightweight). I get super emotional. I cry.

Part of it is frustration. I should be better by now. If the thyroid stuff was going to work, it would be working by now . . . and it’s not. I’m, if possible, in worse shape now than I was when I started. I still have no energy. I feel quasi-sick all the time. I agreed to do things because I expected to feel better, but instead I’m feeling worse and wiped out and utterly unable to cope.

It’s not that I’m out of hope, but I’m not sure what’s next. I think Dr. T expected this to be a quick fix and it’s not. I look at pictures of myself and I realize that I don’t look well. I don’t know where to turn from here. I can’t even really describe symptoms at this point because I don’t know what is actually a symptom and what is an effect of how I feel.

Am I tired ALL. THE. TIME. because I don’t feel well, or is that why I don’t feel well. I don’t know. I have another appointment with Dr. T in a couple of weeks. I’m hoping that his problem solving abilities are in the forefront and he’s going to have some ideas of what to do from here.

Add to that, I’ve been having eye trouble. Not the big thing. Thank God, not the big thing (macular degeneration — I live in total fear of it), but something called blepharitis. I wish I was joking about it, but I’m not. It had reached a point where it felt like I had boulders in my eyes, so I went to see Katie’s eye doctor (yes, she treats grown ups, too). She said, “It’s just bad luck.” But I have to do warm compresses, lid/lash washes, and ointment in my eyes every night. It completely freaks me out.

The suckiest part of it is that I am wearing glasses. I have been wearing glasses non-stop since she diagnosed me almost eight weeks ago. I think it’s getting better but my eyes still hurt, which probably means that I have to continue treating. Sigh.

I haven’t been able to work out. I feel like limp spaghetti by the end of the day with my kids and I still have to work after that. My temper is short and I’m just not feeling good.

2 thoughts on “Not sure where I’m going

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