#B90Days — Reading Job

Reading the book of Job over the weekend has really brought back memories of my undergrad days in college. I took a course, colloquially known as “Arts and Hum” with Dr. Hans Juergensen, and during the course of that class I read the book of Job for the first time. We were to write a paper about why we thought bad things happened to good people.

Mercifully, I don’t still have that paper because I know it was full of trite inanity that only an eighteen year old with little life experience can spout in the face of this text. I mean, really? What were we thinking trying to explain why God allows Satan to test Job in the ways that he does? And why is it that what hangs with me from that course, aside from my total sense of shame that I could not remotely understand what it meant to face suffering, was the pained expression on Dr. Juergensen’s face when we were offering our understanding of it. I remember that I had to admit, early in the process, that I’d only been to church a handful of times in my life, had never really read the Bible, and honestly had no clue what I was doing. A friend of mine (her sister is Katie’s godmother) took me with her to meet her minister so he could talk to us about it, but, at that time, it was like the school teacher on Charlie Brown. I don’t know if I ever thanked her, though, for going so far out of her way to help me, so if I didn’t, let this serve as that thank you. I truly appreciate the time you took to help me understand, even if it didn’t take, the effort was appreciated then and is appreciated now.

And now, I can look back on Dr. Juergensen and I understand the slightly pursed lips, the valiant effort not to shake his head when we were discussing. We didn’t know jack and we didn’t know that we didn’t. We didn’t know what it means to struggle or to have faith tested (for those who have it). The worst event, that most of us could remember, that had happened in our lives was the Challenger explosion, and we knew that wasn’t God, that was equipment failure.

Now, this is not to say we were all free from unexplainable events or instances where you’d wonder where God was, but I just didn’t see how that experience connected to the book of Job, but now I do. I think I see where this text is going and I think I have a far better understanding of the meaning of it . . . the reasons why God allows Job to be tested. The test is, theoretically, from Satan, but I think more accurately, Job is being tested by his fellow man.

It reminds me of the inherent danger of assuming that you know the standing of another’s soul. How arrogant of us to assume we know “why” something happens. To assume that bad things happen because God is punishing us. That makes so little sense to me, and yet so many people feel they are in a position to judge the life of another. (Yes, I’m looking at you, Pat Robertson.)

Part of the reading that I did back in “Arts & Hum” and the thing that stuck with me more than anything from the Book of Job was When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Harold Kushner. The image that he used was of God as a celestial soda machine. If you push the right buttons, He delivers what you want. Kushner says this is what many people talk about when they talk about God and it’s the idea that supports intercessory prayer. If you pray hard enough, and get enough people praying with you, then you’re doing what you have to do to get the answer that you want. It’s the idea of the all-powerful God.

And I’ve heard it all, by the way. That if you didn’t get what you wanted, then you didn’t pray hard enough, didn’t put enough faith in God, didn’t truly believe. And I think that’s crap. On the top of my list of useless things that people say, the notion that someone didn’t pray hard enough or have a strong enough relationship with God to prevent an occurrence and that, further, someone should be so arrogant as to point it out themselves. The book of Job is looking at you.

Look at Job’s friends. Really think about what they’re doing. They’re attempting to force Job to admit to something he didn’t do for their own comfort. It’s not, as they seem to imply, to save his soul. No, it’s to make them feel reassured. Because if Job didn’t do anything wrong? If he is, in fact, blameless? Then they, too, could be subject to the same experiences that Job has. In other words, they’re counting on their own righteousness to “save” them from what Job experiences, but that only works if Job has actually brought this on himself.

The alternative is a God of compassion, but one who cannot control human events. And I think that’s a down right scary concept to a lot of people. If God isn’t in control, then what purpose does He serve? What is His role? I like Kushner’s view that God provides a place of comfort, a place of renewal, a place where compassion is the key.

And that’s probably a good thing given the number of people who have horrific experiences at the hands of the godly — like Job. So, what I got from this round of reading Job is fairly straightforward. Each person is responsible for his or her own soul and his or her relationship with God. It is not our place to assign blame or to assume judgment based upon what a person has gone through or is going through.

God does not make bad things happen to people. He does not reward people for either shunning or attempting to “school” someone in the error of their ways or for suggesting that you’ve brought trials upon yourself. He will punish them unless they acknowledge the error of their ways AND make amends to the person that they’ve attempted to coerce.

This is a vision of God that I can get behind.

GTT: Scaredy Cat

Today’s Girl Talk Thursday question is pretty tough. What are you too chicken shit to do? Oh, there are so many things.

Rock climbing. I think it looks cool. I’d love to try a rock climbing wall, but I’m seriously scared. I hate heights and the idea of the only thing between me and a serious fall is a little piece of rope, yikes. I’m just not sure I can handle it.

Falling. I know it sounds crazy, but I’m terrified of falling. Every time I’ve fallen, I’ve done serious damage to myself (sprains, knee surgery, etc., etc., etc), so any kind of a fall makes me completely petrified. Which means I haven’t ridden a bike in years. I haven’t used my roller blades in so long, I don’t even know if I could skate anymore.

Trying new things. I’m terrified of new things. Especially new things where I don’t know if I have any skill or not. I have always had such impossibly high standards for myself that the thought of failing at something makes me physically ill. This, clearly, is not a great attribute, and not one that I want to pass on to my kids, but I’m still working on how we get around that.

Go to conferences. I used to go. Hell, I was on the academic circuit for quite a while. I LOVED going to ASECS (American Society of Eighteenth-Century Studies) every year, and now I hyperventilate at the thought of going. Even to a conference like that one where I know a lot of people and would be fine. The thought of BlogHer or Blissdom makes me so panicky I can’t think.

Do something different with my life. I spent many, many years getting my degree. I, for the most part, love what I do. But part of me really wants to try doing something else. Except I don’t think I know how to do anything else and I’m scared to try to find out if I do or to try something else because, oh yeah, I might fail. I’ve always loved taking pictures, for example. But I don’t think I’m good enough to do it for living or even as a “professional” hobby. Sigh.

Deal with unresolved issues. There are unresolved issues in parts of my life that I am just too scared to deal with. I’ve tried and had things shoved back at me pretty damned hard, and I just don’t feel brave enough to try again. There are times when I really hate that, but the rest of the time, I’m reasonably good with it.

Just thinking about all of this is tiring. So, I’m going to go grade. You make sure to go check out the other Girl Talk Thursday entries. I know I will be between papers.

Wordless Wednesday (The Katie Edition)

Katie before:

Katie after:

(Note the book — definitely mine.)

30 Days of Change — Challenge One

Amy, over at Resourceful Mom, came up with an interesting challenge that I just had to try. She’s calling it a 30 Days of Change challenge. The first one was to say no as little as possible to my kids.

Now, I will step up and say it didn’t work out well with Katie. She’s developed a new habit of swatting at her spoon while she’s eating and the only thing that stops her is saying no, so no was said during her meals.

However, P came home and wondered what new discipline technique I was trying with Ben because we were having a really good day. I mean, really good. I made an effort, a serious one, to not say no. Sometimes, I’d say yes, after, but I tried not to tell him flat out no that he couldn’t do something. Did we still have screaming melt downs? Yes, a couple of them. Did he still try to do things his own way? Yes, some of the time.

But, did he go to his room when he’d done something “big wrong” (his words, not mine)? Yes. I walked him to his room; told him that what he’d done was something that was big in terms of time in his room and that he’d have to wait for the timer. The fascinating part? Normally, the timer goes off and he is bolting out of his room. Not this time. He waited for me to come get him and we talked and he agreed it wasn’t good (he lied about something, actually, something trivial, but the bigger point that he lied at all).

I really expected this to be total chaos, but really, he doesn’t want that much and it worked out really well for us. I’m going to keep this going and see what happens next.

My Mini-Freak Out

If you follow me on twitter then you saw me tweet the following a little while ago:

Why, oh why, aren’t there any books for secular homeschoolers? I don’t want Bible verses every second paragraph. I want ideas & inspiration.

This was brought on by attempting to read Homeschooling for the Rest of Us: How Your One-of-a-Kind Family Can Make Homeschooling and Real Life Work. It had solid reviews that never mentioned the fact that the focus is on Christian homeschoolers. Now, to be clear, I have no issue with Christian homeschoolers. I am a Christian and I am a homeschooler, but I am not homeschooling my child because we are Christians. In fact, I don’t think we’ve discussed biblical stuff more than a handful of times in the time since we’ve started this odyssey.

So, when the guidance I find for making homeschooling work within your life is all centered around being Godly and raising your children in a Godly way. I feel myself recoiling. I know there are good secular resources out there, but I’m struggling to find them.

I guess my fear is coming from the fact that I don’t have a plan. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know where I’m going. I know what he needs to be able to do. I just can’t figure out how to do it. I don’t want super structured. If I wanted that, I’d do Well-Trained Mind or Calvert. We tried something with lesson plans — Oak Meadow — that were for the week, but I just can’t make it work. My son doesn’t like the artsy part of it AT ALL. He can’t draw things and he doesn’t want to. But the curriculum is like totally drawing and art and it’s not his thing.

He likes worksheets, at least sometimes, so we’ve been doing some of that. But a lot of the time he doesn’t want those either. I just don’t know what to do.

I guess what’s really flipping me out is the fact that I can’t figure out how to fit the way I teach, normally, to someone who is 5 years old.

Top Ten Cheap/Free Things My Family Loves to Do

And we’re back for another Top Ten Tuesday, the blog carnival hosted by Amanda. Today, I want to list the best cheap/free things we like to do. Now, when I say cheap or free, I mean things that we do based on things that we already have rather than having to buy things.

1. Watch movies. We are a movie loving family (as evidenced by the triple stacked row of VHS tapes my husband pulled out of the old entertainment center last week . We usually watch at least one movie a day.

2. Play games. We also have a significant game cabinet filled with games for all age levels. Some of them are old games of mine or P’s that we’ve saved since we were kids and some are new games. Ben’s absolute favorite game, currently, is ThinkFun Zingo. He teaches everybody how to play, well, except Katie. She’s a little small (so says Ben).

3. Bake. Ben is determined to be a good “cooker.” And he often asks to bake something. We have a great cookbook: Kitchen for Kids: 100 Amazing Recipes Your Children Can Really Make that his Auntie Angel sent him that he’s been looking through trying to decide what to do first.

4. Play tea party. Ben plans and organizes tea parties that our wedding planner friend would be proud of (if you’re planning a wedding in Tampa, check out: Alluring Events. She’s amazing. This is Ben’s take on the tea party:

5. Play outside. We have a “playground” (swing set/climbing tower) in the backyard for the kids. Ben swings out there for hours. He also has all sorts of imaginary friends he plays with and he makes up all sorts of elaborate games related to pirates and the chasing there of.

6. Coloring/painting/markering. Ben has developed more of an interest in these types of things in the last six months. He loves to make his own pictures and send them to people. He also attempts to label them; sometimes with more success than others.

7. Nature walks. We take nature walks around our neighborhood or nearby neighborhoods. Ben likes to look at the different things people plant in their yards, the trees, and, sigh, the cars. He is always fascinated by cars (nah, he couldn’t be related to P at all, could he?)

8. Go to the library. Our library has some great children’s programs and has an extensive collection of children’s books. Plus they have some cool toys that we don’t have at home. We can always burn a few hours at the library.

9. Read. Clearly related to #8. We are definitely a family of readers. We have books for all age ranges in the house and covering all sorts of topics, so this is an area where we never have to worry that the kids are going to lack interesting things to read.

10. Build forts. I have been building forts since I was a little kid. So has my husband. So, naturally, we’ve started teaching Ben the beauty of forts. This is a somewhat older picture of Ben and Peyton in one of our creations, but it gets the idea across:

So, there you have it, ten cheap/free things that we love to do as a family. Now, head on over to Amanda’s to check out other entries in Top Ten Tuesday.

B90Days: The Marriage Post

Last week during the tweet chat for the Read the Bible in 90 days challenge being hosted by Amy at Mom’s Toolbox the question came up about when marriage became the paired relationship that we now know as opposed to the polygamous relationships that we see in the early Old Testament (like Solomon and his 700 wives and countless concubines). I mentioned that I had some resources on this buried in my office someplace and I’d try to dig them up to shed some light on this area, which I will do, but FIRST, a disclaimer.

I am NOT an historian. I am an eighteenth-century TransAtlantic non-fiction prose specialist. Otherwise known as an English professor. If we were talking about the Eighteenth Century, I would be on much surer footing and could talk, easily, about the development of the companionate marriage (defined and described by Lawrence Stone) which is far closer to our modern marriage construct than even what we see in the 17th century and certainly in the New Testament. Also, I am primarily doing this from memory, so if you have something to add, the comments are open and you’re welcome add to the discussion.

The argument seems to run that the reason that we see more polygamous marriages than paired marriages, particularly in the Old Testament, is directly related to wars and the availability of men. The more times numerous men are slaughtered, the fewer there are to continue the family line and the more easily the remaining males could obtain additional wives (or were required to; remember, God requires in the Old Testament that a brother marry his brother’s widow in order to continue his brother’s line). These were viewed as marriage and seen as acceptable. It also seems that even in polygamous marriages the first wife had primacy of place and was allowed some extra measure of interest (note the discussions in Esther, for example, of the King’s first wife as he is searching for another) or protection. The first son of the first wife typically was the recognized heir. Though, we certainly see that circumvented time and again by both second wives and second sons (think Rebekah and Jacob).

We see a shift away from discussions of multiple wives in the New Testament. Now, the argument on some more conservative sites is that Jesus told us to follow the Lord’s commandments, and they believe that this means returning to the one woman/one man model seen in Adam and Eve through roughly Noah. Others suggest that it was the influence of Greco-Roman culture on the Jews that caused the shift from polygamous to monogamous marriages. The primary marriage model in both Greek and Roman cultures emphasize one spouse per “customer” so to speak. Also, it seems likely that as the Israelites were becoming more settled it would be less necessary to maintain more nomadic models of family structure. Nomadic models tend to rely on one protector and numerous followers, so that also might play a role in the reasons why we see more polygamy in the Old Testament rather than the New Testament.

It’s also important to keep in mind that the notion of marriage as we’ve come to understand it, doesn’t actually exist until, well, some date it as late as the early 20th century (romance novels notwithstanding). Generally, marriage was seen as a means of ensuring family lines, property exchange, and so forth more than as an emotional commitment.

Possibly the earliest marriage for love in literature is Samuel Richardson’s Pamela where the “master” of the household takes a strong liking to one of the household servants and ultimately rather than compromise her virtue, he marries her. We start seeing that model rise more frequently in the novels of the Romantic period, but those do not, strictly, reflect the relationship culture of the time period. It is more likely that we could say that the literature reflects what people wish was happening, not what was actually happening.

Clearly, this is not authoritative, but it does offer some ideas about why there’s a shift and where the shift seems to occur. As a final note, if you are a student who is thinking this is a good thing to submit to your professor DON’T DO IT! Do your own research! My conclusions are my own and you might reach different conclusions by reading around on your own.

Goal Review — Month 1

So, on January 1, I posted some goals for myself. I’ve found I do best if I review my goals and see how I’m doing each month. Making it a public part of the process is also a good thing, so feel free to cheer me on or nudge me if you think there’s more I could be doing.

1. I have finished the first 31 days of the read the Bible in 90 days challenge. It’s going quite well and I’m really learning a lot about the Bible and myself. I’ve found that I can be more successful with something if I commit to it in a public way. I’ve also found the Monday night chats invaluable. So on to the next 59 days and I’ll be done. Tomorrow, I’m going to make one of my rare academic-style posts talking about marriage. Should be interesting, and is the result of some discussion from last week’s chat. We’re on Twitter using the #b90days hashtag if you’d like to join in the on the talk.

2. Run a 5k. For now, this one is postponed. I made it to Week 2 day 2 of the Couch to 5k plan before I developed patellar tendonitis. So, I have been sitting for two weeks and start rehabbing both knees tomorrow.

3. Organize and declutter my house. I’ve been working with this book: Organize Now!: A Week By Week Guide To Simplify Your Space And Your Life. I’ve found really thinking about my priorities has helped me more than I thought. This book really does make it as simple as possible to get organized. While some weeks are not applicable to us (or may not be to others) I’ve already figured out that I can revisit earlier chapters and work with them again. The checklists have been super helpful and really make me feel focused and in control of the process.

4. I have been reading: The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun and I’m definitely getting a lot out of it. I think what I’m getting is less, gee, I need to do what she’s doing, but more of a I need to find what works for me. Some of the amazon reviews are a bit, um, unkind, but I think they miss the larger point of the book. To find what makes you happy, you have to be willing to delve into the things that don’t make you happy or into literature about what makes others happy in order to find your own peace and your own bliss.

5. My gratitude journal is going just fine. I’m pleased with that.

6. Katie’s image journal is going great. I’m getting a picture a week of her, plus the daily writing, which is going well.

7. I have been more intentional about my eating. I’m thinking about whether I really want to eat something before I eat it. I have essentially cut Dr. Pepper out of my life. I have had 1 1/2 since the 1st. We keep cans in the house for migraine prevention. I have heavy duty migraine meds that I can take, but when I take them I can’t parent. So, until P can get home, my method has been the milder migraine medication, if that’s not working, drink a can of caffeinated soda to forestall disaster until P gets home. So, that tells you how many migraines I’ve had since we started this. Also, I’ve lost six pounds since January 1. Likely would have been more if I hadn’t had to sit on my butt for the last two weeks.

8. As I mentioned previously, I got sidelined on the couch to 5k plan because I aggravated my knees. I’m now going to do the March of Dimes March for Babies on April 24, and I’m going to join the PEP program at the Y to help build up strength and endurance before I try running again.

9. I paid attention and took my lumps over Kristen Chase’s challenge. I have scheduled an appointment with my doctor, so the outlook is promising in that area.

10. Still trying to figure out a homeschooling style/plan that works for us. We’re eclectic, for sure, but what focus and how we’re going forward is still a bit up in the air. I’m working on it.

11. Intentional parenting is proving to be a challenge. We’re struggling, a lot, with Ben’s moods right now and it’s taking a lot more creativity and patience than I usually have. We’re working on it.

GTT: My favorite “beauty secret”

Okay, first of all, the disclaimer: I am not known for my amazing beauty or the fact that I look super well put together. I do have a fantastic hairdresser who knows what the heck to do with my hair. But, if you don’t have curly hair, that’s not going to help you. I have amazing hair products that I use, and I’ll talk about those, but again, if you don’t have curly hair, you might not find much help. However, I do have a secret. A family secret. That I’m going to share with the whole wide internet (or at least those who read Girl Talk Thursday).

So, what’s my secret?

Fruit of the Earth Vitamin-E Cream 4 oz. + 4 oz. Jar

Yeah, that’s right, Vitamin E cream. Now, first, I don’t have dry skin. My skin is pretty oily usually, but every night before bed I put really small amount of this stuff on my face. Every night. I have also been known to use it on my feet, my elbows, my hands. Anything that seems to be dry or whatever.

Why do I use it? Well, it’s like this, my grandmother, my father’s mother was 96 years old when she died. No one, including the doctors who worked with her, believed for a second she was a day over 70 until near the very, very end. Why? Her skin was not entirely smooth, but not nearly as wrinkled as you would expect for a woman in her 90s who had lived a rather hard life. This? Was her secret. It became my mother’s secret. And now it’s mine. And it works.

Now, for those of you with curly hair. Here are my “bonus” secrets:

Ouidad’s Climate Control. This stuff is a pure miracle with my hair. The humidity in Florida makes me look like I’m sporting a blonde ‘fro. It’s not a pretty sight AT ALL. However, put this stuff in after I shower, and my hair separates into curls and I look cute.

Ouidad’s Botanical Boost. Okay, so when I first bought this I figured I’d never use it and I’d fallen prey to marketing. And then I tried it. First time, was when I was going to the pool. My hair looked even better than it usually did. Then I found out that it revived my curls when I skipped a few days washing it. Um, this stuff is the bomb. It’s usually the only thing I travel with for my hair. It’s that good.

Now that you know my secrets, what are yours?

Top Ten Priorities for 2010

It’s interesting how life syncs up sometimes. I’ve been reading, and using, Organize Now!: A Week By Week Guide To Simplify Your Space And Your Life. Some of the first weeks have been fairly no brainer for me. I have a planner that works for me (finally). I have a system that helps me to organize my household cleaning, but this week was different. This week she wants us to really think about and look at our top ten priorities. Convenient that I read this last night and low and behold, it’s time for Top Ten Tuesday Blog Carnival. Well, there’s a fortuitous coincidence if I ever saw one. So, I roughed out a list of my top ten priorities and that’s what I want to talk about today. Understand, though, that after the first one the numbers are just to delineate them, not to indicate which has priority over which.

1. Family. I think it’s safe to say that my family is my top priority. I try to think about how the things I choose to do will impact each of them. I try to plan, intentionally, so that there is time for each of the kids, for my husband, and for me each day. This doesn’t go as well as I’d like and tends to set me in conflict with my other priorities, but it’s a work in progress for me.

2. Faith. I’m fairly loose in some aspects of this. I don’t attend church regularly. This is actually a health issue not a church issue. It’s difficult for me to sit in church with people because I tend to start having multiple asthma attacks and it’s very stressful. However, I work on increasing my understanding of the Bible, my role as a faithful person, spouse, and mother. This is part of what my Bible in 90 days stuff is all about.

3. Exercise. I am committed to getting healthier and to opening more opportunities to myself. I have committed to the March for Babies in April. I’m certain that my injured knees will have recovered by then, so this will be a good target for me once I can start working out again. I’m trying to set a good example for my kids, but mostly I’m doing this for me. I want to get back in touch with what my body can do instead of focusing on what it can’t do.

4. Time for crafts. I love to do creative things with my hands. Cross-stitch, knit, quilt, photography? These are all things that I love and I want to start making time for them in my every day life. They relax me and make me a better person to be around, and I love the sense of accomplishment when I’m done.

5. Homeschooling. This is an ongoing learning process for me. I’m glad that I decided before it “counts,” so Ben and I can try on different things and find the things that work for us and the things that don’t. I want my kids to love learning and to be both curious and excited by the world around them. It’s a goal worth shooting for.

6. Work. I do value what I do and I love seeing/feeling the lightbulbs come on for my students. I think, though, that I have to learn how to balance the efforts of my work with the rest of my life. I want to have time to do all the things that matter not just some of the things that matter.

7. Dogs. I have them. They have me. I want them both to be happy and to feel safe. I want Peyton to have more fun and be able to do the things that she can do so that she has a full and interesting life. To that end, I am researching a basic obedience class she can take so we can work on her leash manners, specifically .

8. Extended family. I’m working hard to keep and maintain the friendships that I have with my cousins. I have a bunch of them, and I want to be closer to them and more involved in their lives and have them more involved in mine. Facebook has been a tremendous support for that. More than I would have dreamed possible when a certain person (initials LRR) convinced me to give a try a little over a year ago. It’s paid huge dividends to me and I am forever indebted for getting involved there in the first place.

9. Friends. By this I mean the people who live in my area who I know and adore. I’m trying to arrange to see more of my friends. Even if it’s only once or twice a month that I get out for half a day to spend time. Sometimes I try to arrange for the ones with kids to do playdates with my kids and then we can hang out and referee if needed.

10. Blogging. I’m finding that this is turning into a serious outlet for me. I am building relationships and finding like minded people who are interesting and supportive. I’ve learned a lot about myself writing a public blog (like the things I just won’t talk about, for example), but I’ve also learned just how valuable these online connections truly are. I want to work on growing my voice and developing a better posting pattern than the one I currently have. I want my blog to be the best reflection of my priorities and a place where experiences are shared and friendships can be built. It’s also reinforced for me that as aggravating as my son can be, he’s perfectly normal and there’s nothing wrong with my parenting either.